Father, Son and future Child
2005-07-29, 11:28 p.m.
So this is where things begin to get complex.
It occurs to me that time is not on my side when it comes to having more babies. I have dwelt on this for a while now and got quite down about the whole situation knowing that there is no 'halfway house' - i either have more kids, or i don't. When i am an old lady and its all too late, will i regret being 'sensible' and not having anymore? BIG FAT YES. But so far I have always fallen on the side of the whole complete and utter craziness of considering a second child on my own, one is hard work, two would be nuts, right? Of course it would, and I can almost already feel the silent, invisible disapproval of the people who would never confess to disapproving - and it makes my skin crawl a little in an uncomfortable kind of way.
I don't know when the shift happened - the one-minute wistful wishing for something that was out of reach, to the 'why the hell not? I am 36 yr old woman who will regret forever if I don't do now what I wont be able to do later. GRRRR I don't know - but i started to...errr, not panic per se, but the dawning of the whole sheer enormity of the situation suddenly made me realise I needed to actually put some real time thought into the whole thing and not just drift along. One day I would wake up and it would be over. I would either have had more children or not. It would be the end of any choices and I need to know that when that day comes, whichever way the decision went it would be an actual decision and not a drifted upon mistake.
Anyhow, decision made...........babies r us............ now for the sperm (haha!) Had a phone convo with K last night about it - I figured it would be better for H to have a full sibling if possible, so I had to ask him. Also, he knows from past experience with H that he is ALWAYS welcome to come and be daddy anytime he wishes, even come live here if he can. So my plan, whilst quirky is not pure evil I think. Luckily, he couldn't talk long as he was at work, which means he can now go away and actually think about it rather than try to think on the spot about something so totally unexpected. I will call him again later in the weekend maybe - or next week, we'll see. The seed is sown in his mind - it's a start. And he didn't actually say NO. Now it all depends on what he says, what he expects, etc etc. If he disagrees - which right now is a distinct possibility, then I am going to have a bit of a problem..... sure, I am desperate for another child, but am I desperate enough to just get the first available sperm I come across? errr - NO! dammit.
Now we move onto the finer issues of religion, Christianity, sex before marriage, DELIBERATELY bringing a child into a fatherless environment etc etc............ I broached the subject today with one of my Alpha friends, just to test the water and see if there was any 'shunning' to expect if I go along with my crazy scheme. She was fine, understanding, non-judgmental etc which means that maybe these true Christians around me will not judge me. That doesn't stop me worrying of course though because the final, and only real judgment is the one that makes the long term difference.
Once again I find myself praying for guidance, inspiration, understanding from the all knowing all seeing God. The God who knows not just my words and actions but my HEART. The God who, if He really disapproves of my plan needs to SERIOUSLY consider the kindness behind removing the desires that are driving me this way forward. The responsibility that come with the freedom of choice is overwhelming sometimes. At the end of the day, I am only human, and any attempt to be otherwise is hard.
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Lyrics from Savage Garden's Crash and Burn and are copyrighted to Savage Garden
