stupid bastard - literally, completely, al at the same time.
2007-05-18, 11:40 p.m.

the more i think about it, and the more i discuss with other people, the more it seems like the father of my child has some social disorders of some nature which dont affect his ability to live but affect his relationships with everybody around him. its hard to fight someone who lacks empathy or the ability to put themselves in another's shoes. you cant make a point to a brick wall - and no amount of explaining or shouting will make a difference.
so now i have a choice. accept him or cut him out. well, its not up to me really. my 4 yr old needs him - more now than ever so i cant be the obstacle to his visits. ironically, the man only visits for 1 week 2 times per year, so is probably just depressing my boy rather than anything ( he gets heart broken when daddy leaves). there are things he could do to make up for the distance - postcards, letters, phonecalls - but suggesting any of this and we're right back to the brick wall.
i am going round and round in circles. i want him for my son, i hate him, i want him to disappear, my boy needs him , etc etc, added to the fact that he has some 'issues' of personality disfunction so i cant really blame him however mad he makes me , blah blah blah.

well i have to say also, that on a bored evening, i googled the man's 'handle/web nickname' (with a rather unethical view to finding his myspace or something) - wanna know what i found?
connections to pornsite membership (video net girls, exploited teens (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and russian introduction agencies (!!!!!) and lets just say that while his life is his own, his active russian membership began in 2003 when WE WERE TOGETHER and i was waiting 5000 miles away for him to come live with us ( me and his then infant son) whom he 'loved and adored and missed' etc etc etc.

now they say you never hear good by eavesdropping - and i am perfectly well aware that googling someone in that fashion is about as ethical as reading someones private paper journal - so, ok didnt like what i saw, but shouldnt have been looking....... i get that.

so yeah, i forgive his inadequacies as a human being, but i feel a little permission to be angry with the bastard for being a pervert and a cheater.

will i allow him to visit with his son? i guess i still have the need to do whats best for my son - so yeah, he can come
will i stop him coming at the first tangeable opportunity he presents me with - HELL YEAH!

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